How did this happen anyway?

Posted: January 26, 2012 in Breast Cancer, Spiritual/Emotional/Energetic
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Here I was, this Spirit-filled, tongue-talking, healing-believing gal who had followed Christ all her life except for some sporadic times off … you know those little detours we all take as we try to find out who we are and why we’re here?  So yeah, since I was a Christian so young, I had to go exploring when I got old enough to know there was a world out there.  Boys, alcohol, drugs, all those things I was told to stay far, far away from.  Had to go there.

I grew up in a Southern home that was headed by an alcoholic father.  Pretty common theme in many families.  There was no physical abuse, that I recall … and that recalling is a difficult thing for me.  I don’t have much memory of my childhood at all.  It’s as though I was sleeping up until I was 12 or so and, when I finally woke up, boy did I ever get up on the wrong side of the bed.  I was mad … mad at everyone and everything … except my horse.  He was my salvation.  I would bury my face in his mane and just cry.  We would ride all over the place where no parents could reach.  He was my buddy and I adored him.  On the other hand, it was my father who provided that ray of light in my life.  It was one of the biggest surprises of my life, and definitely the biggest surprise ever at that point.  I’ll digress a minute to tell you this cuz it’s just such a cool story and one of the few truly beautiful memories I have of my father.  I was 12 years old and, oh, how I loved a horse!  Had since I was a very young girl and I have no idea why. Goes back as far as I can remember and, try as I might, I have never been able to find that one moment when I fell in love with a horse.  Perhaps I’ve been that way even before I was here.

Four Star General

Anyway, I never could understand why I couldn’t have one as a child.  I mean, we had this huge garage and I promised I would take care of him and keep his area clean and everything!  Just never could understand why they kept saying no … ‘course now I understand zoning laws and we were smack in the suburbs.  But every week I watched my favorite show, Mr Ed, and he lived in the suburbs!  Hey, he lived in a garage, didn’t he?  But that argument didn’t work so I had to wait.  When I was 12, we moved out to the country and lo and behold, there was a man across the street who boarded horses.  We had 50 acres to ride on … no more excuses.  So we went looking for horses.  I fell in love with a beautiful (in my eyes, anyway, though now I know he was malnourished and wormy as hell) buckskin gelding.  He was full of a mind of his own and just right for me.  That horse cost all of $175 … and to think I pay thousands for one now.  One day I came home from school and my friend, Karen, wanted me to walk with her over to the stables.  Her grandfather was the one who owned them, so she knew every stall that was vacant, etc. When we approached the barn (and it never occurred to me to be suspicious with my whole family trailing behind … duhhhh), there was a horse in what had been a previously empty stall.  He had his back to us and I turned to Karen and said, “You didn’t tell me this stall was boarded out.”  About that time, the horse turned around and it was my beautiful buckskin boy.  General … my maiden name was a military one, so what else?  My General … my salvation from hell, it seemed.  My salvation from my father … wow.  In this very moment tears are flowing because I have just realized that the very man I hated somehow realized that I was just on the verge of losing it.  This man went out and purchased that horse, had him transported to the stables, and got him settled in so he could surprise me after school.  The man from whom I needed saving provided me that way of escape.  That’s pretty profound … and the kind of magical thing I am starting to recognize in my spiritual life.  It all had to be, this strife and conflict.  But the man whose role it was to provide that cataclysm in my life also somehow knew when something had to give.  It all had to be …

So back on the path … I had served God forever and cancer did not run in my family.  I didn’t believe in a punishing God, so that never entered my mind.  My understanding of God’s character didn’t allow for Him to put this on me to teach me something.  And He certainly didn’t “allow” it to happen any more than I would’ve “allowed” my daughter to contract cancer when I had it in my power to stop it.  He loves me way more than I can love anyone!  I never really could come to terms with that question.  So I have believed, for years, that it was an attack.  Now I have learned that many people don’t believe in evil, and especially a devil.  I disagree.  I have been in the presence of evil and it’s real, y’all.  Plus every scientist knows that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, so I believe if there’s an ultimate good (let’s call Him God), then there is also an ultimate bad.  And I don’t care what we call that.  But I do still believe it.

For years … no decades … I have held on to that.  This cancer was an attack.  The enemy trying to take me out before my time.  But thank God for Jesus … literally.  Because, by His stripes, I WAS healed.  Done deal.  And I was now disease-free even as advanced as my cancer had been.  And I stayed that way for well past that allegedly magic five-year mark.  I fell in love with my retired-from-the military life complete with a wonderful husband and my beloved dog agility … and my horses.  Life was sublime for me.  I was so content.  We had an amazing church and wonderful friends there.  Then things kind of fell apart at that church and we had to leave.  Shortly thereafter, we got orders to Idaho and I never really found a home church again.  My pastor had so ingrained healing, freedom, and grace in me that there was no way I could go back to legalism now!  And I despise services that are structured … I had been spoiled to be in services where if the Spirit moved, He was allowed to do so and that was incredible.  Have never found that since.  If it meant that pastor didn’t open his mouth, then he didn’t.  He let God do His thing which was wonderful.

We moved to Idaho and I was now without a church body for the first time in quite some time.  I was still doing OK, spiritually, on my own, and I had a great husband, friends, dog agility, and my horse.  I honestly didn’t think I would hear the word cancer associated with my present-tense ever again.  But did it ever come out of the blue and was I ever wrong.

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Comments
  1. sandy says:

    this is so good
    you are precious
    sandy

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