After my trip to the principal’s office yesterday, I had lots to consider last night.  It’s really hard for me to try to put a finger on why I am so uncomfortable here.  I laid awake last night until 1am crying, trying to figure out why I am so beside myself.  Not to mention that my innards are deciding they don’t want to move things along like they did just a couple of weeks ago.  What with abdominal cancer and already having had multiple blockages, when things ain’t movin’ through, Mama ain’t happy.  Always makes me think there’s bad things agrowin’ in there.

I had an entire childhood and young adulthood of learning that promises are never meant to be kept.  I was promised something and the next day, when I expected to do whatever was promised, there was a denial that the promise was ever even made.  As a young woman, my defense mechanism, as a result of that, was to always expect the worst.  If the best happened, well that was gravy.  But I expected the worst and prepared for it so I wouldn’t be rocked and shocked by it when a guy didn’t call who swore that he would.  In my healing, I am working toward dumping that because I don’t need it any more.

Well it finally dawned on me that’s the big issue for me here.  I am just triggered beyond belief in this environment. The clinic director will say something is going to happen and it doesn’t until I have made a total nuisance of myself.  In my opinion, it should not be that way.  If a physician tells me I will receive this drug or a physical exam, I expect them to come let me know when that will transpire.  But instead, I go back into the infusion room, trusting them to do what they say they will do, and next thing I know, my infusions are all done for the day and I’m headed out the door. Without what I had been promised.  And unwilling to wait another two hours to get it.

Now here, they’re not denying that they made the promise … but they’re not doing much to see it carried out.  The other patients, while they roll their eyes at it and such, don’t seem to be nearly as bothered as I am.  Why is this?  So I started reflecting on if I could change anything about that clinic, realistically, what would it be?  And it was something as simple as the nurse who is hooking me up for the day to ask how I’m feeling and if there’s any questions or concerns that could be answered for me today.  And then, if I have a question or concern, they could get the answer and get back to me with it before I leave for the day.  Because the way it is right now … remember in The Wizard of Oz when the Scarecrow said, “He went thattaway,” and crossed his pointed fingers in front of his body, each index finger pointing in opposite directions?  That’s what it feels like here to me.

So I have been doing inner child work for some time now … or trying to.  She ain’t talkin’ much yet.  But the fear and anxiety I’m feeling in this place is all about her.  And she showed me that’s the way she’s been living all her life.  Going from promise to promise just waiting for someone, anyone, to say what they mean and mean what they say.  In my childhood home, there was no such thing as that.  My father, God rest him, was an alcoholic and a very high-functioning one at that.  He spent 20+ years turning a broken college around to the point that it is now a university … drunk on his ass all day long.  He would make his only girl a promise … and oh how she hung on his every word … and come the next day, that promise had never even been made, much less was it going to be fulfilled.  That was the answer.  My daddy made me promises all the time, but rarely did they ever come to pass.  That’s what it feels like here. My father was supposed to love and protect me, not damage me. I am in the hands of someone who is supposed to save my life and I feel like I can’t get any straight answers from him.

It wasn’t a big deal really, my childhood of broken promises.  Certainly many had it way worse than I.  I was never, to my recollection, physically abused other than a good whuppin’ or switching, which by today’s standards would be considered abusive, I guess, in this day of no discipline for our children besides a time-out.  But for a little girl who hung on Daddy’s every word and never knew he ever drank alcohol until the day she left for college, it was very confusing.  Such mixed messages all the time.  I never knew if I was coming or going.  And there was other stuff too … some kind of energetic twistiness and I can’t put a finger on to this day.  But confusing as hell.  And that is the very thing that is being triggered in me, all day long while I’m here.

One part of me feels there’s no way I can heal feeling this way.  Another part of me feels this is part of the process and is a learning experience … something burning out of me or working through to be done somehow.  And so I wait … and I watch … and John keeps notes … if my labs start turning around and I start improving greatly, I won’t give a flying crap if they never keep their word again as long as they can keep my show on the road.  More blood being drawn Monday, so we’ll see what midweek brings next week, and go from there.  Hoping for major improvements before I bleed out too much more money.

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Comments
  1. Martine Aerts-Niddam says:

    what a post, Melissa. What courage.

    yes, I hear you when you are talking about rage and broken promises.

    I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that the inner child’s healing is intimately part of the total healing process. Without addressing that, in my humble opinion, there will be no healing.

    I so admire you. You give me will.

    • Thanks so much, sweetie. So much to learn and learning is difficult, but very accelerated, inside a pressure cooker, isn’t it. 😉

    • Martine, I so agree. In my case, I believe my past was a big cause of this cancer … The emotional trauma and not working through it. I believe dealing with the skeletons in your closet is a big deal. I tend to agree with Eastern medicine in that cancer is a red flare … A symptom of a much deeper problem that needs addressing. If not addressed, it will keep on coming back until it is addressed.

      • Lynne says:

        Hi Sweetie,

        The treatment may be taking a toll on your patience. I’m very much like you in situations that are ..I want to say overly casual or careless. Even if I see four staff people at Whole Foods gossiping while customers are needing help, I tend to barge over to “express my thoughts.”

        Carelessness may trigger things from my past too. I don’t know. I try to not apologize in my mind for being a demanding customer anywhere. I think it raises the level of care. They roll their eyes but I don’t care. I don’t need to be friends.

        My experience has been that others in this setting test you to see how much you’ll put up with. I remember being in the hospital when my roommate turned on the TV at 3 AM and blasted it then went to sleep on top of the remote.

        I called the nurse demanding that she turn off the TV. She said she had no one to roll the very large woman over to get the remote. She was testing me to see if I would accept being in a hospital room with the Dukes of Hazzard blasting in the middle of the night…To see if I would believe there was nobody else in the freakin hospital to help her.

        I yelled, “well find someone right now to will help you turn the woman over!”

        Within five minutes an orderly appeared and they retrieved the remote from under the woman and turned off the loud TV.

        Don’t feel alone there in your thoughts. Everyplace is dysfunctional in it’s own way. You can work around it. Get the best and leave the rest.

        Love, ya, honey.

      • Oh my heavens Lynne, I would’ve been ready to kill someone!!! But then, judging from my last hospital goat rope, they can do. Good enough job of that themselves! Lol

  2. patsy says:

    I so feel your pain. I am a 2 time advanced ovarian cancer survivor and in treatment. My single mom was also a closet alcoholic. I have learned that the vulnerability that comes with this diagnosis puts me in situations that I could have avoided. The abandonment I felt as a child haunts me sometimes, as if being abandoned by my health isn’t enough, right? I recently had such an experience and was able to deal with it by realizing it was again those “old” feelings.

    btw…Marcella B. is one of my very best friends. She told me about you.

  3. Jackie Ryan says:

    Wow you and I are so similar with our past’s of damage yet to be reconciled. I have come to the conclusion (after much counselling) that I can not heal the childhood damage or eradicate the painful parts but I can accept it and it has made me who I am today, (street wise, anxious, cautious, untrusting, compassionate, giving, loving, etc etc) . From all my various experience with different methods of therapy/counselling only one has given me true benefit that I continue to use at times of “out of control emotional upset” and so want to pass it on to you to try, I believe it will also benefit you.
    At the times that your brain is doing laps of the racing circuit in your head and you start the uphill battle of mental/emotional/physical reconciliation, imagine Jesus serenely appears to you and sits/lays beside you. Focus on the body language and facial expression that Jesus has in response to your pain and/or feelings (remember you don’t need to explain it all to him, he already knows everything you’re going through) and He will show you his complete comprehension of your situation through his presence. If surrounding environmental noises/experiences distract you from the image use your best self preservation methods to keep the focus. Keep feeling/knowing He is sitting right beside you and showing you how He is dealing with the situation, this should give you automatic replication of His response to the situation, (eg. Behave/respond as Jesus would).

    You can also use this method to meditate on a past experience and relive that experience with Jesus present the whole time. (I have done this successfully with a facilitator and completely relived (in meditation) a past rape with Jesus in the room thru the whole time. I have not forgotten this awful experience but it no longer has any emotional attachment to me. It was truly an amazing experience of love and forgiveness and Jesus now sits with me whenever I need his actions to respond for me.

    Wishing you success with His power and your determination, xxx Jackie Ryan

  4. Kim says:

    Ok – well now I know how you are feeling
    :-(. I see zero problems honoring that
    you don’t feel safe – it sounds valid.

    If they aren’t giving you tx that was promised,
    would you consider withholding some
    payment – that seems fair to me?

    Probably lots of other options you do have
    to “educate’ them as a consumer could be
    discussed as well.

    HTH,

    Kim

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