Turning inward

Posted: March 9, 2012 in Breast Cancer, Spiritual/Emotional/Energetic

Boy have I ever hit a major emotional roadblock here! I have become so triggered that I am beginning to doubt my mental capacity. Seriously. I get so upset and things that seem like no-brainers to me I just can’t make anyone else understand. When I speak, I am most often misunderstood by those closest to me.

People in the periphery of my life think I’m inspirational, heroic, courageous, giving, compassionate, and loving. Those directly involved in my life don’t see me the same … I alienate them by just being who I am. I am not a mean person. I do not fight dirty. I don’t name call or slander anyone’s personhood. I do hold people accountable for their words and their actions. It is not alright with me for people to run roughshod over my boundaries, to be deceived/lied to, or to be treated rudely. And I say so. And that’s the problem.

I know why this is. As a child, I didn’t have a voice and there were LOTS of things that were not alright with me. If I attempted to speak up, I was shut down. If I attempted to remove myself from a situation, I was made to remain in the room. But not anymore. I am no longer that little girl who has no choice. I do have a voice now, so I do not just accept what is unacceptable any more. Never again.

All this time I have just figured I have trouble because no one wants to hear if something is “not alright.” People don’t want to be accountable. Or so I thought. Now I’m beginning to wonder if I’m the messed-up one. These feelings I have are crazy making. I don’t seem to be able to make myself understood no matter how I say it. And I keep running into things that make no sense to me … or seem like no-brainers … and no one gets it … they look at me like I’m the unreasonable one. I get that more often than not. So now I can only figure that I am the unreasonable one.

At this point, I don’t even know what to do with that. Even my closest friend has had times where she got upset with me and didn’t feel like she could talk to me about it. Because I’m the unreasonable one. And I get that over and over.

In light of this fact, I am going silent for a bit until I can make some sense of this. Hopefully I can work through this and return to the “outside world,” but at this point I need to determine what is going on here, and how to appropriately communicate with others. Feel free to shoot me an email in the meantime … if anything earth-shattering happens with my treatment, I’ll be sure to let you know. Meanwhile, I will share something that never fails to bring a smile to my tears. Check out Bubbles peeking out from underneath John’s arm …


  1. jacque says:

    When I read this my heart hurt! Why because you are right people dont like being accountable, everyone wants to fix everyone else, they really dont want to listen and just be! People are always thinking there way is better including myself. People were not raised that way…. life just sucks sometimes! When ever your in my thoughts I pray for you I hope I am praying what I am supposed to….I love you! p.s you can laugh at my spelling I am ok with that!

  2. Martine Aerts-Niddam says:

    Is there a therapist in the clinic? you may want to talk this OUT and have someone bounce back questions that point you in the right direction.

    You may not be able to do this alone

    Xo MArtine

    • Sweet Martine, yes I do have a therapist at home. There is one here but he has the power to recommend they not treat me if my being there is too stressful. He does not know me, so I didn’t want him making such recommendations.

  3. Meg says:

    I think your key is your last sentence there. Hang out with dogs! Dogs are so cool and really are just in the present moment. They don’t care if you’re communicating “correctly” according to some arbitrary rules. They just accept you as you are, and are always willing to just hang out.

    So hang in there! This too shall pass. Don’t forget that your body is processing some pretty heavy duty toxins right now and that will affect your emotions. Just let it ride, lay low, and do nice things for yourself. And I think this is one of those times when everybody else should be cutting you slack, not picking on you!

    Meg in Oregon

  4. Melissa, you and I are one and the same. The first time we met Gavin said “Tracy…you and Melissa are way too much alike…you will never get along”. LOL…I know exactly how you feel, though. My youngest daughter has decided she doesn’t like me anymore because I go out and get drunk sometimes and have fun. I have tried and tried to talk to her, but nothing is working. I am who I am and that is all I can be. And the same goes for you. John loves you. I love you. Wish you the best…and if you find the magic cure, let me know;O)

    • Ohhhhhhh, is THAT the problem? We’re too much alike? Haha … I seem to remember a certain someone who wouldn’t talk about things too … and it must have driven her plumb bonkers every time she would ride past my barn and I would sweetly call, “Hi Tracy!” Ha! But I wore her ass down, yes I did! Maybe your little apple hasn’t fallen too far from the tree? Sounds like she’s stubborn and strong-willed and opinionated … just like us. My momma always told me you win more flies with honey than vinegar … though I never got why anyone would want to win flies after spending a few hours around a horse in the summer time!

      Did I tell you my daughter wanted no contact with me shortly after I got to Colorado? That was one of the most painful times of my whole life. I had no idea why. But at that early 20s age, it seems they have to disconnect for a bit, for whatever reason, in order to really find their footing. I swear, once I was going through that, it seemed like every woman I knew who had an adult daughter had experienced that at some point, herself. Though I never did that to my Mom, it seems to just be part of the growing up process for that generation.

      But if you can get through it, let me tell you, it can be really liberating! Because I had that time apart, I no longer stress if I see a train coming at her. She has made it clear she doesn’t want me to warn her so now I don’t have to even worry. She needs to learn to hear the engine noise down the tracks for herself. In other words, she neither wants, nor needs, me to mother her any more. There’s a certain freedom in that.

      Your girl has different reasons, but she is discovering her views of the world around her and, for whatever reason, she is disapproving of your lifestyle. She may be too young yet to be able to disconnect that you are not her and she is not you. But be patient, love her every chance you get, and once you both have learned the lessons you are both given the opportunity to learn through this, it’ll go away as though it had never happened. Open yourself up to what you can learn about you during this time. Pain and fear are great teachers if you can open yourself up to it. Dive deep… feel the pain … watch it as it swirls around your gut. And reflect. Meditate. Let the lessons come. The sooner you learn them, the quicker the class will be over.

      If you want to talk, give me a call! I had chemo today, so I’m chilling this evening and most of the weekend. I will email you my cell number. Just remember I’m three hours ahead of you, so don’t be calling at 9pm your time! 🙂

  5. Lynne says:

    I feel exactly like you. I don’t get why people don’t see the obvious, the reasoned. Or why they behave like sheep and invest in authority. I just have to walk away.

    I don’t think it’s our problem, I think it’s them.

    You can’t hang out with these people. You need to find kindred sprits who value your Melissa-ness. Sign me up for your posse, okay, hon?

    • Lynne, here’s an example: the clinic director asked me if I felt heard by him. I didn’t respond right away. He said, “You can tell me … I can take it.” So I still turned it into an “I”statement by saying, “Well I haven’t really felt heard in here.” His response? “Your words hurt me to the heart.” WTF???? Are you a grown man or what? You asked for it. I still wasn’t pointing a finger at him…. but he still got all butt hurt.

      I ask for what kind of cytokines they are injecting into me and he wouldn’t tell me anything more than there’s interleukins in there and it’s not IL6. As though I wanted his formulation. What I wanted was to know what they are putting in my body. IMO I have a right to know that. But I’m the bad guy for being honest and wanting to know what all is going on.

      So that’s why I have to stop and look … I just don’t get it, and that’s why I am honestly starting to doubt my mental capacity. I’m totally confused by why I’m the bad guy. If this only happened occasionally, that would be one thing. It doesn’t. It’s everywhere.

      So yeah sweetie, you can be CHIEF of my posse!

      • Lynne says:

        Oh, Mel, I didn’t mean leave the clinic. I meant take a breath and walk away to another room or the car.

        And the clinic director? WTF is right. Why are you supposed to deal with his not feeling heard. That is so manipulative, putting you in the position of his therapist. You’re suppose to fix his feelings? “I don’t feel heard” is another way of saying, “accept what I say” or I’ll annoy you like a needy child.

        He is putting you on the defensive for HIS not giving you adequate information? You’re the one who doesn’t feel heard. He can show you the f’ing label of the product and you can google it. You’re the customer. You want to see what you’re paying for. He has to account TO YOU. Period.

        You can ask, why aren’t you showing me what’s in the product??????

        I totally get you on this. I’m saddling up the posse. May have to swing by Georgia to have a little conversation with this guy. LOL. xxxxx

      • Oh no, I’m the one who doesn’t feel heard. He asked me if I felt like he didn’t hear me. I answered honestly. There are a very few people who appreciate that about me … That they know, without a doubt, thy will always get an honest answer from me. I do not blow smoke. 🙂

      • And for clarification, I don’t feel heard because he jumps in right on top of whatever I’m saying, he answers phone calls when I’m in his office, and most often something that we agreed on the day before doesn’t transpire and it takes mother metering. Trying to get in to see him takes days sometimes. So I will find out the answer next week … After I’ve had several more days of injections. 😦

        C’mon out! Sic’em! 🙂

    • @Lynne … and another thing… I typically would just walk away but I can’t afford to do this any other place on the planet. If I had another clinic that could do what all they do here, for the price I’m paying, I would be gone already. But I pay close to what most clinics charge for one IPT for an entire weeks worth of tx here that includes IPT twice a week, IVC every day, 10 bags of colloidal silver, 10 bags of UDA, and IV cesium every day. Also two massages … lymphatic drainage and standard. Labs once a week, cytokine injections for 20 days. Just can’t come close to that for the price I’m paying for a whole week.

  6. Carol says:

    Melissa…don’t stop believig in yourself. When you’re surrounded by a lot of doubters or people who seem to block your questions and communnications with their own agenda, it is easy to begin to doubt yourself. You are a very self-evolved woman from what i have read in your blogs. I am in awe of your stamina & ability to advocate for yourself….don’t cave in. Maybe you can tone it down a little so they accept what you’re asking & you can be heard, but don’t let them cancel out what you’re all about.
    My ‘rescue’ dog has been my greatest comfort & is always there for me…I’m so glad you have yours with you. My husband has also been great & mu older daughter. My younger daughter who is 29 is no longer talking to me. She & her husband went to Kauai with my husband & I in December. You might remember me saying it didn’t go very well towards the end. I haven’t seen her since. Says she’s getting help, but wants no contact with any of us.

    I have no idea if it’s the right kind of help, but have to step aside & be patient, hoping eventually she’ll come back to our family. Hope I’ll be around long enough for that to happen.Yoou know how it is with stage IV…a little like Russian Roulette. I think she has a lot of repressed anger. Despite my being her biggest support, she has turned on me specifically. We are very much alike. I don’t get it. She was there with me totally when I was 1st diagnosed….now not at all. Like your situation, it has made me doubt myself, my parenting, my entire stand on things..???

    • Thank you, Carol. But it’s coming at me so hard and fast, from so many sides, I know there’s something I need to learn, but I don’t know what it is. I don’t know how to be anyone I’m not and who I am doesn’t get accepted by others. My daughter says it’s not me but my behavior. But I’m not really even sure what that means.

      It seems that very few people will actually let another person finish a sentence any more and I’m finding it harder and harder to communicate like that. I can’t hold a thought … hell, I forget what I’m saying right in the middle of a sentence … and when I start to talk and get run over the top of, I completely lose where I was. And I don’t get answers and I don’t get heard.

      And when that’s not happening, I express an opinion and the room goes quiet. I just feel so freakin’ unacceptable. So I have to examine it and try to work my way through it. The really bad thing is that it paralyzes me and makes it hard to fight. Everything just feels so difficult right now. Though my first thought is, “Wow, what crappy timing,” but then I also know there are no accidents. So I wait.

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