Wheels spinning but getting nowhere

Posted: March 11, 2013 in Breast Cancer, Spiritual/Emotional/Energetic
Tags: , ,
So, in my last post, I said I was doing o.k. But, I’ll have to admit, that the “snapshot” of reality changes far too frequently to say anything for certain anymore. Melissa used the word “journey” in her writing to describe what she had been through and was going through, as many people do, and it is very appropriate language. For me now, looking back and looking forward, I too, am trying to find my way. At first, I thought writing about these more recent Melissa events would be easy, perhaps even healing, but was I wrong–again what seemed black and white is certainly a greater shade of grey. I thought that things would be more downhill now, but again was I wrong. I’d say my path, so far, has had many dimensions, light and dark spots, and many hills, valleys, even at times, deep crevices to climb out of.
I thank you all for your many suggestions concerning what perspective I should write some of these more recent stories from; all very insightful, but may have complicated my decision-making more than I expected. So, I sat spinning my cognitive and emotional wheels for days, digging myself deeper and deeper into a pit trying to decide which path should I take, when it occurred to me: go to the source. So, even though, I was present for all of Melissa’s past stories, I decided to read them all again. Sure, I’d read them all before and maybe provided my 2 cents to some of them along the way, but all the images just came back so strong–it was at times vividly torment-filled and dark, but at the same time refreshing, nourishing and light-filled. So, excuse my psycho babble, but I think that was just the nudge I needed….so with that, please raise the curtain.
Tzu's Journey
  1. Boy, can I relate.. dark valleys, tunnels, and pits I seemed to stumble into right as I thought I was getting somewhere… A path that a zillion people have been down, but never on the one I picked.. grief is a horrifically personal thing… and no one can say what is right what is wrong.. I know millions if not billions have felt the loss of a spouse, but for the individual, the pain is something that defies description.. The only thing I can recommend? One foot in front of the other.. Breathe… and take another step… at some point you find yourself at the end of the tunnel… then that path shoots off in a zillion directions… and only one is yours.

    I have no advice that makes it easier or smoother.. Just listen to what your inner voice is saying (when it isn’t screaming) and see where it leads…

  2. joyfulsunrise says:

    Yes, changes ~ be good to yourself ~ this is not an easy journey for you ~ I keep you in my heart and thoughts for some semblance of peace~ recognized or not ~

    Sending love ~


  3. william haggerty says:

    I see you beginning this “journey”, heart filled with pain and joy and every emotion in between…and there beside you I see Melissa, holding your hand and guiding your every step! The life you shared with Melissa , not nearly long enough, consisted with both sunshine and shadows. And the challenging days, some which seemed to drag you both into a dark abyss, numbered far too many! Now, it is time to retrace those steps alone. To expect that your days of recovery will be quicker than those which dragged you down would be foolhardy! Be kind to yourself as well as true to your story. Melissa would want it no other way, would she? Blessings always.Rachael F2F (aka Emily Haggerty) Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2013 20:19:28 +0000 To: billem55@hotmail.com

  4. Dianne says:

    Hello John, Thank you for the update concerning your writing about Melissa. I sure hope you don’t feel pressured to do anything now except to take care of yourself and grieve the loss of your precious wife. I am missing my husband of 41 years and i know firsthand that grief is very hard work. Just when you think you have a handle on it, wham, some incident or memory comes to mind and brings on the tears yet again. Try to find a group that you can identify with or something to occupy at least some of your time. Do you have a church group? I found church friends very helpful in getting me out of the house the first month. There are many good books on widowhood and grieving ,if you like to read. Because we are Christians, I have been reading alot about heaven and find that brings some comfort too. Only suggestions,as each person mourns in different ways. It has been 5 and 1/2 months for me and I still have not gone through my husbands clothing and personal things. I am trying to donate extra medical supplies and I have gone through his boxes of things from his work. It’s so hard and not knowing what to keep and what to get rid of. I know that my John would want me to share whatever would be useful to someone else. I continue to pray for you and this journey that we are on together, that none of us wanted. Know that others think of you often AND remember Melissa with pleasant memories and thankful hearts for the chance to get to know her. She was a sweet internet friend who could be counted on to respond with compassion and grace. With love and prayers, Dianne

  5. Cynthia Dimmette says:

    U just feel for yourself what u

    Sent from my iPhone

  6. Denise Barnes says:

    I have been feeling led to keep you in prayer. You are going through transition which is unknown charter and territory. This is very natural to try to work through the various emotions you are facing. The one thing I commend you and would tell you to continue to do is reaching out as you have. A support is important. We are all here for you. Keep expressing yourself. Keep communicating and doing what you can to help yourself day-by-day.

    With much love!!!

  7. Cynthia Dimmette says:

    So sorry u have to go thru this. Time does help. Melissa was a beautiful Spirit Take care and luv Cindy

    Sent from my iPhone

  8. Debbie Wokurka says:

    John I can not imagine how very difficult a road this is for you. I do believe you will come out ok at the other side, it’s getting to the other side that sucks. Will continue to pray for you as you continue on this road, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that you will see it and get to that end of the tunnel.

  9. Clint Matthews says:

    For me my journeys are often defined by not’s. I’m not going to do that, I’m not into the other thing, that is not realistic for me; I’m not up for that…. I end up taking paths of can but I need the not to know what I can. And when I achieve my goal or reach the end of a determination I’m still unclear of how I got there only that I have arrived.

    If I knew exactly how and what I fear I would be disappointed in the goal. So Melissa was right I’m sure. It is the journey. It has always been the journey. There is one not I hold to always and that is I’m not going to worry about it.
    Your cuz Clint in Atlanta

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