So, where is my miracle?

Posted: March 13, 2013 in Breast Cancer, Spiritual/Emotional/Energetic
Tags: , , ,
Melissa post on 9 April 12 in “Into the Desert”:
“If His Word is true, and if He doesn’t lie, and if He truly does love me, how the hell did this happen??? And even worse, if the healing promises are a lie, then what else of mine is a lie? I mean, either it is all true, or it ain’t.”

Most of you should know that Melissa struggled with various stages of cancer for a very long time. Back in 1999, when we arrived in Colorado for the first time, we attended a wonderful church, and one of the messages that we learned from the pastor was healing was for everyone. Every word the pastor spoke was backed up by lots of scriptures, so how could this message be wrong? Melissa’s health roller coaster, with the constant up and down struggles, really were difficult for us both. Spiraling close to death a few times, but pulling up just in time; however, she never got back everything she lost in the process each time. All the while, we stood on God’s promises and that Melissa would be made whole again. There really aren’t too many people who not only knew this message better than Melissa, but actually had to walk and live in it every moment of every day. Standing on scripture verses, nailing them on her heart, and trying so hard to be an “instrument rated” Christian, but the weather was awful much of the time and it was hard to stay strong. Heck, one of the last things Melissa had left, since virtually everything else she loved was ripped away piece by piece, was her communication capabilities. And, you know what, in some cosmic form of cruelty, that last thread of humanity she had was taken away bit by bit by the ever growing brain hematoma and blood sucking tumor in her brain until she could no longer speak. Do you have any idea how many people she offered and sent copies of our church’s healing series of sermons to? I’m sure there were hundreds she offered it to and many took her up on it (around the globe). She was so strong, but she grew just so weak, and worst of all, she started to lose her faith since if healing isn’t true, then what else isn’t true in the Bible? Really, rocked her world especially as she knew the ground was coming again and she would not be able to pull up this time. No one really knew how sick she was, except me and her. Melissa wore her game face, pretty much every where she traveled, be it at the oncologist office or online; that’s just what warriors do. Everyone was saying, oh Melissa, it is just one more time, you’ll pull up. Well, there were many dark alone days and she was so afraid of the end. Of her doubt. What was really coming? Heck, the whole progression really rocked both of our belief and faith mechanisms. She would say, God, either “kill me or heal me” because this in between crap and being teased by good health for a minute or two has become unbearable. TIll nearly the end, till nearly her last breath, she held on to that fear. I’m pretty sure it was a few hours before she died when I talked with her brother, Brooks, and through that conversation I had a realization. Something that I knew, hanging just below the surface, but finally it pop its head out of the water. Melissa had her vision of what her miracle should be, and you know Melissa, she knew what she wanted and nothing else would do. She wanted her life back; she wanted everything back that she had lost piece by piece stripped by this fricking monster called cancer. She wanted to be whole again, devoid of cancer fear, and just be able to live–she was only 54-years old. This new realization was something that we both already knew, but it did not fit into our vision of the “miracle” which Melissa should receive. Melissa used to say, I’m a walking miracle. Ding, Ding, Ding. That was the answer, and we both knew it. She was a zero%er and lasted way longer than any doctor or really anyone would think she should have. She had so many people she helped around the globe on various web platforms, and even though I reminded her of that many times, she did not or would not see it. She was an inspiration to so many who are fighting this cancer monster everyday. For example, when we went to the clinics in Georgia, about a year ago, the other patients there would say, you’ve been fighting and dealing with cancer for that long. You are my inspiration to go forward. I could give you more examples of people online and what they thought of Melissa, but you get my point. So, after that breakthrough for me: Melissa did get a miracle, it just was not the specific one she wanted; one day, when my times comes, I’ll get to find out the specifics of why God chose His version of a miracle and not ours. So, a little while later, a few hours before she passed, I told Melissa of my breakthrough. Of course, she could not talk, but her breathing did seem to immediately ease just a little.

  1. Marilyn Holasek Lloyd says:

    What a True heartfelt piece of writing. I Can really understand what you are saying. As a nurse years ago, I saw a lot of suffering. I am a Christian, and I could never really understand The Big Picture of suffering and evil too. So when I went back to college to get a degree besides being an RN there was a class entitled Suffering and Evil and it looked at the subject from all religious perspectives. I took the course and suffered through it. The answer to the question of suffering and evil is there is no answer. it just IS. And we are all like Job. my husband helped me survive breast cancer, and he got very ill and it was horrible for my husband a doctor going down in every way possible way even before ending with cancer among his many serious medical diagnoses. Faith does not take away suffering, or the pain of loss, the recovery from grief, but faith helps us get through it. I would recommend the book I read in school A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis. My prayers are with you and your family.
    I might add that my own struggles with illness have left me with one truism of my own. Individual suffering like birth and death is an alone event. Only the person going through it from the patient or caregiver side can really understand the depth of suffering. But friends and family and God can help us get through. Marilyn

    • Great suggestion on the C.S. Lewis book. I found a couple quotes from it that spoke to me: 1) “Aren’t all these notes the senseless writings of a man who won’t accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it?”
      and 2) “Feelings, and feelings, and feelings. Let me try thinking instead.”

  2. Dianne says:

    Yes, I am writing again! So glad for your breakthrough “miracle”.God does still heal people on earth,so healing is real, but he is also soverign and chooses who will be healed here (temporary healing) and who will be healed perfectly and for all eternity! We know that the death rate is 100%, so it is just the timing that is a mystery. I question the suffering that some face before death, but I always end up landing on the fact that the scripture says that ‘The secret things belong to the Lord”. Christ suffered for us, so is it such a surprise that we also would experience suffering?.I know that during the 3 and 1/2 years that my husband suffered with a brain tumor that many, many people were really blessed by his faith and his attitude. People came to encourage him and left feeling that they had been blessed by him! God uses and chooses who he pleases and I believe he used Melissa in a similar way. Do I think it’s fair that my husband got a brain tumor at age 59? Hell no, I fought it every step of the way!! But was God’s purpose accomplished? Ihave to believe it was. Do I understand it all? No,but one day I will. I also learned alot during the time John was fighting. I learned to be his servant, right down to the very basics, learned how to survive and do many of the things that he always did, and to humble myself and accept help from many many people. .We really were blessed in so many ways in spite of the crummy situation! I hope that as time goes on, those of us left behind will be able to get a glimpse of what those who have gone before us are experiencing. It’s got to be so much better than we can even imagine. Randy Alcorn wrote a book called IN LIGHT OF ETERNITY. It is a really good read. God bless you as I know the first months are kind of surreal Seems like a bad dream sometimes. Warmly,Dianne.

  3. Martineaniddam says:

    thank you for this .

    I am one who Melissa helped along the years.

    she will never leave me



  4. Debbie Wokurka says:

    John thank you for your honest posting. Have to admit I have wondered about those things myself, in the healing realm.

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