Posts Tagged ‘healing’

Melissa post on 9 April 12 in “Into the Desert”:
“If His Word is true, and if He doesn’t lie, and if He truly does love me, how the hell did this happen??? And even worse, if the healing promises are a lie, then what else of mine is a lie? I mean, either it is all true, or it ain’t.”

Most of you should know that Melissa struggled with various stages of cancer for a very long time. Back in 1999, when we arrived in Colorado for the first time, we attended a wonderful church, and one of the messages that we learned from the pastor was healing was for everyone. Every word the pastor spoke was backed up by lots of scriptures, so how could this message be wrong? Melissa’s health roller coaster, with the constant up and down struggles, really were difficult for us both. Spiraling close to death a few times, but pulling up just in time; however, she never got back everything she lost in the process each time. All the while, we stood on God’s promises and that Melissa would be made whole again. There really aren’t too many people who not only knew this message better than Melissa, but actually had to walk and live in it every moment of every day. Standing on scripture verses, nailing them on her heart, and trying so hard to be an “instrument rated” Christian, but the weather was awful much of the time and it was hard to stay strong. Heck, one of the last things Melissa had left, since virtually everything else she loved was ripped away piece by piece, was her communication capabilities. And, you know what, in some cosmic form of cruelty, that last thread of humanity she had was taken away bit by bit by the ever growing brain hematoma and blood sucking tumor in her brain until she could no longer speak. Do you have any idea how many people she offered and sent copies of our church’s healing series of sermons to? I’m sure there were hundreds she offered it to and many took her up on it (around the globe). She was so strong, but she grew just so weak, and worst of all, she started to lose her faith since if healing isn’t true, then what else isn’t true in the Bible? Really, rocked her world especially as she knew the ground was coming again and she would not be able to pull up this time. No one really knew how sick she was, except me and her. Melissa wore her game face, pretty much every where she traveled, be it at the oncologist office or online; that’s just what warriors do. Everyone was saying, oh Melissa, it is just one more time, you’ll pull up. Well, there were many dark alone days and she was so afraid of the end. Of her doubt. What was really coming? Heck, the whole progression really rocked both of our belief and faith mechanisms. She would say, God, either “kill me or heal me” because this in between crap and being teased by good health for a minute or two has become unbearable. TIll nearly the end, till nearly her last breath, she held on to that fear. I’m pretty sure it was a few hours before she died when I talked with her brother, Brooks, and through that conversation I had a realization. Something that I knew, hanging just below the surface, but finally it pop its head out of the water. Melissa had her vision of what her miracle should be, and you know Melissa, she knew what she wanted and nothing else would do. She wanted her life back; she wanted everything back that she had lost piece by piece stripped by this fricking monster called cancer. She wanted to be whole again, devoid of cancer fear, and just be able to live–she was only 54-years old. This new realization was something that we both already knew, but it did not fit into our vision of the “miracle” which Melissa should receive. Melissa used to say, I’m a walking miracle. Ding, Ding, Ding. That was the answer, and we both knew it. She was a zero%er and lasted way longer than any doctor or really anyone would think she should have. She had so many people she helped around the globe on various web platforms, and even though I reminded her of that many times, she did not or would not see it. She was an inspiration to so many who are fighting this cancer monster everyday. For example, when we went to the clinics in Georgia, about a year ago, the other patients there would say, you’ve been fighting and dealing with cancer for that long. You are my inspiration to go forward. I could give you more examples of people online and what they thought of Melissa, but you get my point. So, after that breakthrough for me: Melissa did get a miracle, it just was not the specific one she wanted; one day, when my times comes, I’ll get to find out the specifics of why God chose His version of a miracle and not ours. So, a little while later, a few hours before she passed, I told Melissa of my breakthrough. Of course, she could not talk, but her breathing did seem to immediately ease just a little.

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This was one tremendous shift in my learning.  All of the head knowledge I had attained over the past decade was largely for nought for me.  But it was not a waste of my time.  It was all part of the trail of breadcrumbs that I can now see in hindsight. If you had pointed me to Kurt’s website when I was first diagnosed, I would’ve looked at it, sure.  But I would’ve immediately scoffed and moved on like many people do.  I would not have been ready for it.  But God had been working on me in so many ways, slowly, insistently, subtly cracking open my mind tiny bit by tiny bit.

But then there’s that exorbitant price tag.  Sure.  But let me explain two things.  First, have you ever seen an explanation of benefits for a chemo infusion?  Yeah, just one little infusion costs way more than an entire day with Kurt or Kris.  And once is never enough with chemo.  Secondly, thanks to my work with Louis, now I knew how much of  a toll it takes on the healer to focus precious energy that intensely, into another person’s body, for that extreme an amount of time.  And then to get up and do it all over again?  Plus the travel and constantly being away from his own family?  I don’t know.  The man gave me my life back in a miraculous way and, in my opinion, that was worth every dime.

From a rigidly Christian perspective, those Christians who put limits on God … like I used to be … this might have been an evil thing and one that could jeopardize my very soul.  Dark energy … evil.  I mentioned that to Kurt once.  He threw his head back and laughed and said, “How could healing a brain tumor in a 12-year-old ever be evil?”  Ya know, he had me there.  There was no evil in my getting well … none whatsoever.  And thankfully my soul is still in my body.  If I hadn’t taken God out of His box two-and-a-half years ago, I’m not sure I would be able to say that now.

And now I was on weekly chemotherapy.  That evil chemotherapy.  It cannot heal anything.  Its sole mission is to destroy.  But my life was being restored to me in ways I had forgotten about.  My energy and stamina picked up, as well as my strength. The previous summer, I had such muscle weakness, I couldn’t even groom my horse.  But now I was out there grooming, playing with, riding … and I even had two camping weekends over the summer!  What a glorious miracle that was! Statistically speaking, chemotherapy gives tumor shrinkage, but that doesn’t always equate to increased time on the planet.  So the benefits, IMO, are typically not worth the side effects.  But such was not the case for me at all.  Once more, a miracle was happening in my world.  I would’ve been dead by this time, so this chemo definitely was extending life in my case.

My oncologist is a hoot.  Here he had talked me into all this therapy that he knew was not the way I roll … and I was coming back to life before his very eyes.  Months later, he asked me, “Did you think we’d ever see this day?”  I was doing so well and I told him no.  He said, “Yeah, I wasn’t too sure either.  Not sure at all.” Ooooooh I wish he had never told me that.  Now I know he has a serious poker face and we might need to make a tough decision together again one day.  Sure wish I didn’t know that part. But he humors me like a kind grandfather and acts as though he thinks the things I come up with are … well … probably more eccentric than ridiculous.  I guess, once one is four years past one’s expiration date, he can afford to let me run wherever I please.  He asks thoughtful questions about each and every modality I throw at him.  And then he says, “Whatever.”  The last time he said that to me, I told him, “Seriously?  Are you really going to say that to me?  You know I don’t respond like anyone else does.”  He had been walking out of the room and he whipped back around and said, “I know I say whatever.  But I also say I can’t argue with success and success is what is standing right in front of me.”  Guess he shut me up!

So what lesson could I take away from all of this conventional vs alternative experience?  The first time around, I nearly destroyed myself with toxic treatments.  I will never have pectoral muscles again from radiation to both sides of my chest. Secondary cancers are a huge risk as well.  Then I started reading and went to the opposite end of the spectrum and would not entertain anything remotely smacking of conventional cancer treatment.  It was toxic; it was deadly; it didn’t heal.  But here I was feeling better than I had felt for years.    Here’s my big lesson.  Yes, chemotherapy is toxic and natural therapies are not.  I still would not use chemotherapy as my “go to” stance in treating cancer.  My opinion is that chemo is extreme and should be used in extreme cases.  For me, it is a tool and should be used as such.

The way the conventional world typically treats metastatic patients goes like this.  They consider metastatic cancer incurable. So they don’t really try because now it becomes a fine line between quality of life and extending your life.  They don’t give you the extreme, “curative” doses of chemotherapy because it will make you really sick and won’t cure you anyway.  It becomes a balancing act.  They typically will not give you chemo cocktails (mixtures of drugs) now because they’re more difficult.  Now you get single agent chemos, for the most part, which are easier, but may not hurt your cancer as badly … not curing you, but keeping you alive a bit longer.   And when your cancer outsmarts the drug you are using, and it always does once it is metastatic, you move to another drug.  Until you run out of options.

I didn’t want to live that life.  I have learned that I have a pretty decent intuition in what to pursue and what not to pursue in my therapy.  I am slowly learning to trust that and not be afraid of it.  I have learned that when the fight has you on the ropes and your opponent pummeling the crap out of your face, you have two choices.  You can either go down for the count, or you can unleash something extreme to get that opponent off you so you can get back in the fight.  A tool to be used selectively. Unleash it, back off the enemy, then resume your style of fighting.

Due to my ever-worsening cancer symptoms, which were mainly in my abdomen, I had totally lost my appetite.  This had been slowly going on for quite some time, but it had finally hit critical mass.  We were on vacation in San Francisco, and I was carrying about seven liters of ascites fluid in my belly (that I endearingly termed cancer juice).  For those who are unfamiliar, this is a fluid that comes off of certain abdominal cancers and it fills in your abdominal space until you look pregnant.  But boy, did I ever learn how helpful those pregnancy hormones were to a body to be able to stretch like that.  I didn’t have that luxury this time!

My homegrown

Anyway, we were eating at a place on Fisherman’s Wharf.  I ordered crab, my very favorite thing.  After only a few bites, I just couldn’t eat it.  Didn’t want it.  Had no appetite so it just didn’t even taste good.  When my husband saw that, he realized we had a much bigger problem than we thought.  For me not to be able to eat crab, I must be sick!  We lived in California at the time, and I was already retired from the military, so he asked me if I had considered trying pot.  OMG NO!!!!!!  I despised feeling that way back in the day.  Well, of course … as I said before, I was in the discos all night back in the day and I didn’t like that feeling one bit.  So of course, I objected.  But I knew, as well as he did, that something had to be done … so I made an appt right away with a doctor to get legal.  No sooner did I have that piece of paper in my hand than I was trotting down to the nearest dispensary … well, maybe not trotting … maybe it was more like sitting in the passenger seat with my swollen feet on the dashboard, and waddling in when we got there.  But anyway, I came out of there with a few different strains after being just amazed at how things had changed since my last experience with weed!  I mean, this place was like walking into a bar, complete with “bud”tenders waiting to fill your order.  Since I knew nothing about nothing, I asked him to educate me and school was in session.

Now, having been away from such things for 20+ years, I discovered the botanists had been hard at work in my absence!  There were so many strains to choose from and each of them felt just a little bit different.  I had no tolerance at all, so tentatively took a puff or two.  After nearly coughing up a lung, I got hungry alright!  But I quickly realized if this was going to be part of my daily life, I would have to stop that smoking business.  That’s when I learned about vaporizers.  Oh what a difference they make!  No carcinogens, so efficient, and very smooth.  Not to mention, no smoke and no nasty smells in your house.  I’ll post a vaporizer post before long and show you pics of my babies.

So from despising the feeling of that plant, and believing it was ultimately harmful, in a very unusual way I have become a total cannabis advocate!  In the posts to come, I will show you how I went from one extreme to the other.  Can’t believe I actually stood in front of other peoples’ children (in high schools) and told them this was bad for you.  Thank you, DARE!  But now I know better!  And if you’ll keep an open mind, and stick with me,  you will too by the time we’re done.  🙂

So back in the day I smoked pot … but just a little … because “my” day was in the 70s and I was in those discos every night.  There was nothing about me that wanted to be mellow.  But now … ahhhhhh now … that’s an entirely different story!  I have learned so much about the history of cannabis, how it was in all the pharmacies up until the 1930s, and how the cannabis prohibition has so improperly maligned this healing herb.  I am a retired military officer … not a stoner … and cannabis is one of my medicines of choice for so many things.  Nausea?  Check.  Appetite?  Check.  Fear?  Check.  Insomnia?  Check.  But that’s just symptom relief.  Stay tuned and learn some of the amazing things I have learned about this plant and how synergistic it is with our bodies, by design.