Posts Tagged ‘Jesus’

As many of you know, Melissa tried a gauntlet of both conventional and alternative approaches, treatments, and methodologies to fight cancer and live well over a half-score and three years past her first diagnosis. There were many approaches she did not try, but she was probably familiar with many of them anyways. She was a research guru and she never hesitated to share with anyone who was seeking information. Not sure if you noticed, but I said information, not answers. Having the “answer” is just way too simplistic to most any situation, least of all trying to survive any stage of cancer, especially Stage IV cancer. There is a lot of comfort that can be provided to one individual’s insanity of fighting cancer by looking at the success of another individual’s given treatment modality. But, Melissa would be the first to tell you, and she mentioned it in her blogs, that there is no such thing as a “magic bullet” (reference “And the beat goes on…” posted 16 Jun 12). What works for one person may not work for another, that’s why individual choice is so important. However, I’m also not saying, never look at the statistics or to testimonials of a given modality, just always try to apply your own individual filter to the specific situation and data.

So, why this theoretical BS from someone who has never walked in Stage IV shoes. What do I really know, just being a passenger on Melissa’s journey? Well, I just have to share our experience with one of the last modalities that Melissa tried. If you are more conventionally minded, then please excuse my rant, but when you don’t have too many choices left and you are growing weaker, often the best treatment choice seems to be one that won’t fill your body with toxic chemicals; one such modality is energy work. Now, if you really contemplate our human existence, aren’t we all, made up of various types of energy? According to Einstein, human beings are made up of multi-dimensional energy fields. And, if you understand science, energy can not be created or destroyed, right, only transformed. If you know Melissa’s story, then you know she used many energy healers since she metastasized in 2007. Various types, and one, Kurt Peterson, may have saved her life many years ago. If you’ve been following Melissa’s blog long, then you also learned that energy healers ARE NOT all created equal. One such bad experience and many dollars spent was with one named Karen Korona (if interested you can read of specifics in a previous blog). But, let’s discuss more recent events. So, Melissa had her third appointment set up with Kris Kraft, but to make a long story short, he did not make it in time. When you are really sick, and there aren’t many options, there is a tendency to put your hopes in treatments which may be your miracle. Looking back now, leading up to this unkept appointment, several stand out moments happened, and I’d like to share them so that all your brains can be exercised. In the months prior to Melissa seeing Kris, there were occasional communications by phone and email. During these correspondences, Kris would consistently reassure Melissa, in essence, that she was doing better. For example, he told her of his dreams: basically Melissa was on a porch in a summer dress, rocking in a chair. Heck, even after Melissa was treated the second time by Kris, he kept reassuring her everything was “on track” and she’d be fine (reference “I’ve been slacking,” posted 19 Jul 12). So, as these conversations proceeded both Melissa and I got a huge deja vu feeling of Karen Korona’s antics. And a very ironic and sad part of the situation, Kris was not a Karen Korona fan and actually insisted that Karen and Melissa part ways before he would even consider treating Melissa the first time around. Even though our feeling of unease persisted and grew greater–remember how patients put their hopes on things sometimes they shouldn’t in wait of a miracle–so the appointment with Kris stayed in our calendar. Also, keep in mind, that alternative treatments typically are fairly expensive, just like conventional ones, but the big difference, if you have insurance, typically conventional treatments are covered and paid for by insurance, whereas, alternative ones are not.

Sorry, my attempts to make this long story short are failing, so I’ll try and wrap up. As, Melissa continued to decline (blind, organ failure, enormous pain, growing brain hematoma and tumor, exploding systemic cancer process throughout her body, and hospice called), I contacted Kris, before he departed the East coast, and told him not to come, basically to save him a trip. At the time, trying to keep Melissa comfortable was my only concern, and repayment of funds to treat Melissa was nowhere in my scope of reason. However, Kris decides to come anyways since he has “non-refundable hotel reservations.” He also says that his guider, “Power,” is telling him to come. Well, needless to say, both Power and Kris had it all wrong and Melissa passed before he and Power arrived. And, to top it off, Kris comes to our house later, after Melissa died, to say hello. I mean, he was hired to treat Melissa, not to come by for an hour and have me tell him stories of Melissa’s death. So, after waiting a week or so after Melissa died, I noticed that Kris had not issued a refund for services to Melissa not rendered. Finally, I asked Kris, and Kris responded that his website clearly states that refunds can only be given if he is contacted within 10 days of the original appointment and that I contacted him only 8 days prior to Melissa’s appointment. So, I tried to reason with Kris, but his perspective is the only one he and Power wants to see. Well, he still has not done the honorable thing and reimbursed what Melissa paid him for. So, I just have to say, from my experience, not all energy healers are the same, so be careful out there. And, don’t get me wrong, I think energy healing can do a lot of good. In fact, I believe, Jesus was the greatest energy healer who ever walked on our planet. And, aren’t we mostly energy anyways? When I was resting, mostly sleeping, right by Melissa’s side in our bed while holding her hand, at about 15 minutes after midnight on February 16, Melissa stopped breathing here on Earth. At that exact moment, I felt a huge surge of energy go through my body which must have been that exact instance when Melissa’s energy, spirit, or whatever you want to call it, left her body and was saying her final goodbye to me on this Earth and transformed to heavenly spaces.

This was one tremendous shift in my learning.  All of the head knowledge I had attained over the past decade was largely for nought for me.  But it was not a waste of my time.  It was all part of the trail of breadcrumbs that I can now see in hindsight. If you had pointed me to Kurt’s website when I was first diagnosed, I would’ve looked at it, sure.  But I would’ve immediately scoffed and moved on like many people do.  I would not have been ready for it.  But God had been working on me in so many ways, slowly, insistently, subtly cracking open my mind tiny bit by tiny bit.

But then there’s that exorbitant price tag.  Sure.  But let me explain two things.  First, have you ever seen an explanation of benefits for a chemo infusion?  Yeah, just one little infusion costs way more than an entire day with Kurt or Kris.  And once is never enough with chemo.  Secondly, thanks to my work with Louis, now I knew how much of  a toll it takes on the healer to focus precious energy that intensely, into another person’s body, for that extreme an amount of time.  And then to get up and do it all over again?  Plus the travel and constantly being away from his own family?  I don’t know.  The man gave me my life back in a miraculous way and, in my opinion, that was worth every dime.

From a rigidly Christian perspective, those Christians who put limits on God … like I used to be … this might have been an evil thing and one that could jeopardize my very soul.  Dark energy … evil.  I mentioned that to Kurt once.  He threw his head back and laughed and said, “How could healing a brain tumor in a 12-year-old ever be evil?”  Ya know, he had me there.  There was no evil in my getting well … none whatsoever.  And thankfully my soul is still in my body.  If I hadn’t taken God out of His box two-and-a-half years ago, I’m not sure I would be able to say that now.

And now I was on weekly chemotherapy.  That evil chemotherapy.  It cannot heal anything.  Its sole mission is to destroy.  But my life was being restored to me in ways I had forgotten about.  My energy and stamina picked up, as well as my strength. The previous summer, I had such muscle weakness, I couldn’t even groom my horse.  But now I was out there grooming, playing with, riding … and I even had two camping weekends over the summer!  What a glorious miracle that was! Statistically speaking, chemotherapy gives tumor shrinkage, but that doesn’t always equate to increased time on the planet.  So the benefits, IMO, are typically not worth the side effects.  But such was not the case for me at all.  Once more, a miracle was happening in my world.  I would’ve been dead by this time, so this chemo definitely was extending life in my case.

My oncologist is a hoot.  Here he had talked me into all this therapy that he knew was not the way I roll … and I was coming back to life before his very eyes.  Months later, he asked me, “Did you think we’d ever see this day?”  I was doing so well and I told him no.  He said, “Yeah, I wasn’t too sure either.  Not sure at all.” Ooooooh I wish he had never told me that.  Now I know he has a serious poker face and we might need to make a tough decision together again one day.  Sure wish I didn’t know that part. But he humors me like a kind grandfather and acts as though he thinks the things I come up with are … well … probably more eccentric than ridiculous.  I guess, once one is four years past one’s expiration date, he can afford to let me run wherever I please.  He asks thoughtful questions about each and every modality I throw at him.  And then he says, “Whatever.”  The last time he said that to me, I told him, “Seriously?  Are you really going to say that to me?  You know I don’t respond like anyone else does.”  He had been walking out of the room and he whipped back around and said, “I know I say whatever.  But I also say I can’t argue with success and success is what is standing right in front of me.”  Guess he shut me up!

So what lesson could I take away from all of this conventional vs alternative experience?  The first time around, I nearly destroyed myself with toxic treatments.  I will never have pectoral muscles again from radiation to both sides of my chest. Secondary cancers are a huge risk as well.  Then I started reading and went to the opposite end of the spectrum and would not entertain anything remotely smacking of conventional cancer treatment.  It was toxic; it was deadly; it didn’t heal.  But here I was feeling better than I had felt for years.    Here’s my big lesson.  Yes, chemotherapy is toxic and natural therapies are not.  I still would not use chemotherapy as my “go to” stance in treating cancer.  My opinion is that chemo is extreme and should be used in extreme cases.  For me, it is a tool and should be used as such.

The way the conventional world typically treats metastatic patients goes like this.  They consider metastatic cancer incurable. So they don’t really try because now it becomes a fine line between quality of life and extending your life.  They don’t give you the extreme, “curative” doses of chemotherapy because it will make you really sick and won’t cure you anyway.  It becomes a balancing act.  They typically will not give you chemo cocktails (mixtures of drugs) now because they’re more difficult.  Now you get single agent chemos, for the most part, which are easier, but may not hurt your cancer as badly … not curing you, but keeping you alive a bit longer.   And when your cancer outsmarts the drug you are using, and it always does once it is metastatic, you move to another drug.  Until you run out of options.

I didn’t want to live that life.  I have learned that I have a pretty decent intuition in what to pursue and what not to pursue in my therapy.  I am slowly learning to trust that and not be afraid of it.  I have learned that when the fight has you on the ropes and your opponent pummeling the crap out of your face, you have two choices.  You can either go down for the count, or you can unleash something extreme to get that opponent off you so you can get back in the fight.  A tool to be used selectively. Unleash it, back off the enemy, then resume your style of fighting.

After so many hours on his table, discussing this Reiki thing and energy work in general, I kept going back to my handy-dandy mental scriptures checking in with what the Bible had to say about this sort of thing.  And yes it talks about being careful, discerning spirits, etc.  But I kept diligently asking questions, pondering, and bouncing it around in prayer.  And it finally came to me one morning.  I don’t even remember, now, which translation this Bible was, but it was the scripture about the woman with the issue of blood in the Gospels.  She sought out Jesus in a crowd of thousands.  She had been bleeding for years and years.  The Bible specifically states that she had spent all her money on doctors, but instead of getting better, she got worse.  Read that again.  Seriously?  Have things really changed that much since Biblical times?  In some ways, yes … but some things never change!

Anyway, she elbowed and pushed her way up to Jesus and touched the hem of his garment.  What Jesus experienced, at that point, is the interesting part.  He was being jostled, pushed, crowded in this throng of people.  The moment that woman touched only His clothing, He stopped and asked who touched Him.  His disciples thought He had to be nuts … I mean, who wasn’t touching Him in that large crowd?  But He said, and it depends on the translation, but most translations say, “I felt power leave Me.”  The one I read that morning said, “I felt energy leave Me.” Honest to God.  I read it over and over again.  That was my confirmation.  In my opinion, Jesus was the ultimate energy healer.  He could focus energy and manipulate it and He taught others to do the same.  Not that I’m belittling His Godness (don’t get your hackles up, Christians).  I’m just saying that He set that precedent … and He said we would do greater things than that.  I didn’t explain this to preach to you.  I explained it so you would know my process in stepping into what was appearing on the path before me.  Was this a pile of something I didn’t want to step in or should I just walk on in confidence? It was at this point that I decided to go for it.  So he started practicing Reiki on me.

Reiki is a very balancing energy.  It is not focused.  It is not intense.  The practitioner is just the vessel for the energy to go through.  So, in my mind, I would envision Jesus’ hands on Louis’ shoulders and that was the energy coming into me through Louis.

English: A Reiki symbolFrom here, the energy knows where to go and where it’s needed, so there should be no ego involved in the process.  It’s not about the practitioner.  It’s just about being a willing vessel.  Now scientist friends of mine are laughing right now.  But I don’t really care because I know what I have experienced, even though I can neither explain its mechanism of action nor can I quantify it.  Also, my mind-body connection isn’t the best (something I’m currently working on) so I typically don’t feel energy in my body when I’m being worked on.  But boy, do I know a ton of people who can.  Most, in fact.  They feel a tingling or a heat.  Energy manifests that way.  I don’t feel that so I have to rely heavily on my intuition when choosing an energy worker.

After quite some time of this, Louis offered to teach, or “attune” me to Reiki.  We had a little class:  Louis, his wife, and I.  He attuned me to Level 2, one step shy of Master, before we had to move away from there.  But I have practiced on my family and they have all experienced relief from whatever is ailing them, despite the fact that I can’t feel it.  They feel heat or tingling … and many times it’s in a place different from where my hands are.

So it works with, or without, my knowledge, with or without my ego.  I can let go and let God work however He wants to in the individual.  This was my first foray into the wonderful world of energy … and it was just the beginning.

Here I was, this Spirit-filled, tongue-talking, healing-believing gal who had followed Christ all her life except for some sporadic times off … you know those little detours we all take as we try to find out who we are and why we’re here?  So yeah, since I was a Christian so young, I had to go exploring when I got old enough to know there was a world out there.  Boys, alcohol, drugs, all those things I was told to stay far, far away from.  Had to go there.

I grew up in a Southern home that was headed by an alcoholic father.  Pretty common theme in many families.  There was no physical abuse, that I recall … and that recalling is a difficult thing for me.  I don’t have much memory of my childhood at all.  It’s as though I was sleeping up until I was 12 or so and, when I finally woke up, boy did I ever get up on the wrong side of the bed.  I was mad … mad at everyone and everything … except my horse.  He was my salvation.  I would bury my face in his mane and just cry.  We would ride all over the place where no parents could reach.  He was my buddy and I adored him.  On the other hand, it was my father who provided that ray of light in my life.  It was one of the biggest surprises of my life, and definitely the biggest surprise ever at that point.  I’ll digress a minute to tell you this cuz it’s just such a cool story and one of the few truly beautiful memories I have of my father.  I was 12 years old and, oh, how I loved a horse!  Had since I was a very young girl and I have no idea why. Goes back as far as I can remember and, try as I might, I have never been able to find that one moment when I fell in love with a horse.  Perhaps I’ve been that way even before I was here.

Four Star General

Anyway, I never could understand why I couldn’t have one as a child.  I mean, we had this huge garage and I promised I would take care of him and keep his area clean and everything!  Just never could understand why they kept saying no … ‘course now I understand zoning laws and we were smack in the suburbs.  But every week I watched my favorite show, Mr Ed, and he lived in the suburbs!  Hey, he lived in a garage, didn’t he?  But that argument didn’t work so I had to wait.  When I was 12, we moved out to the country and lo and behold, there was a man across the street who boarded horses.  We had 50 acres to ride on … no more excuses.  So we went looking for horses.  I fell in love with a beautiful (in my eyes, anyway, though now I know he was malnourished and wormy as hell) buckskin gelding.  He was full of a mind of his own and just right for me.  That horse cost all of $175 … and to think I pay thousands for one now.  One day I came home from school and my friend, Karen, wanted me to walk with her over to the stables.  Her grandfather was the one who owned them, so she knew every stall that was vacant, etc. When we approached the barn (and it never occurred to me to be suspicious with my whole family trailing behind … duhhhh), there was a horse in what had been a previously empty stall.  He had his back to us and I turned to Karen and said, “You didn’t tell me this stall was boarded out.”  About that time, the horse turned around and it was my beautiful buckskin boy.  General … my maiden name was a military one, so what else?  My General … my salvation from hell, it seemed.  My salvation from my father … wow.  In this very moment tears are flowing because I have just realized that the very man I hated somehow realized that I was just on the verge of losing it.  This man went out and purchased that horse, had him transported to the stables, and got him settled in so he could surprise me after school.  The man from whom I needed saving provided me that way of escape.  That’s pretty profound … and the kind of magical thing I am starting to recognize in my spiritual life.  It all had to be, this strife and conflict.  But the man whose role it was to provide that cataclysm in my life also somehow knew when something had to give.  It all had to be …

So back on the path … I had served God forever and cancer did not run in my family.  I didn’t believe in a punishing God, so that never entered my mind.  My understanding of God’s character didn’t allow for Him to put this on me to teach me something.  And He certainly didn’t “allow” it to happen any more than I would’ve “allowed” my daughter to contract cancer when I had it in my power to stop it.  He loves me way more than I can love anyone!  I never really could come to terms with that question.  So I have believed, for years, that it was an attack.  Now I have learned that many people don’t believe in evil, and especially a devil.  I disagree.  I have been in the presence of evil and it’s real, y’all.  Plus every scientist knows that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, so I believe if there’s an ultimate good (let’s call Him God), then there is also an ultimate bad.  And I don’t care what we call that.  But I do still believe it.

For years … no decades … I have held on to that.  This cancer was an attack.  The enemy trying to take me out before my time.  But thank God for Jesus … literally.  Because, by His stripes, I WAS healed.  Done deal.  And I was now disease-free even as advanced as my cancer had been.  And I stayed that way for well past that allegedly magic five-year mark.  I fell in love with my retired-from-the military life complete with a wonderful husband and my beloved dog agility … and my horses.  Life was sublime for me.  I was so content.  We had an amazing church and wonderful friends there.  Then things kind of fell apart at that church and we had to leave.  Shortly thereafter, we got orders to Idaho and I never really found a home church again.  My pastor had so ingrained healing, freedom, and grace in me that there was no way I could go back to legalism now!  And I despise services that are structured … I had been spoiled to be in services where if the Spirit moved, He was allowed to do so and that was incredible.  Have never found that since.  If it meant that pastor didn’t open his mouth, then he didn’t.  He let God do His thing which was wonderful.

We moved to Idaho and I was now without a church body for the first time in quite some time.  I was still doing OK, spiritually, on my own, and I had a great husband, friends, dog agility, and my horse.  I honestly didn’t think I would hear the word cancer associated with my present-tense ever again.  But did it ever come out of the blue and was I ever wrong.

So I was brought up in a Christian home.  My father was president of a Methodist college in a mid-sized town.  We went to this huge Methodist church complete with flagstone floors, stained glass windows, and pipe organs.  Damn place looked like a flippin cathedral.  But I never saw any evidence of God in that place with its cold, hard interior and everyone dressed just so.  Full of who’s who and gossip, but not God.  Turned me off church in a big way.  That was in the late 60s and

Polski: W kościele w Otorowie koło Szamotuł

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early 70s.  There were not a whole lot of non-denominational churches, much less Spirit-filled ones.  So my Mom, God bless her, found a group of people meeting in a home and that’s where I finally found a true place of worship where the Spirit led the course of the service, not man.  This set the pattern for all of my future spiritual searches.  I tend to steer away from structured services with hymnals and organs to this day.  But thankfully it is a lot easier to find my kind of church these days.

But I always believed in healing.  I mean, Jesus did a whole lot of that in the Bible, didn’t He?  Then again, I had many friends who had way more faith than I, die from disease.  There’s that age-old dilemma … well, if the Bible says so, why didn’t it happen?  So I assumed that while healing was promised, sometimes the answer was “No.”

That remained that way until right after my diagnosis and we had just moved to Colorado annd were looking for a church.  I was told about one and we went.  Only a couple of weeks later, that pastor began teaching on healing and God’s will and that changed my life forever  I learned that, despite the fact that we lose loved ones to disease, that doesn’t mean it was God’s will.  I learned there were many reasons for disease to happen and most of them had nothing at all to do with God.  So I really started digging in that area but I was through my initial cancer treatment by then and honestly thought I was done with all of that.  It was a blessing that I had 8 full years before I really had to put my beliefs to the test.  It was good.  Much like a pilot needs to fly by his instrument panel before he encounteers the storm, the same goes for learning God’s principles before the shit hits the fan!  Oh yeah … I said shit.  And that’s why this category is Spirituality.  Because while I am very spiritual, and a big Jesus freak (yes, I still do believe He is the Christ despite my ever-expanding horizons), I am anything but religious!

Up until that point, I thought I pretty much had this Christianity/spiritual thing figured out.   Yeah, what I have since discovered is that I knew nothing!  God is so much bigger than we could ever imagine and so many of us just put Him in a box.  We say He can only work with this or use us in this fashion …. and most of it is about what we do.  But honestly,, what we do just doesn’t matter so much if we are in Christ … He already did it all.  Ahhhhhhhh grace is such a beautiful thing and so is God’s patience with me when I doubt, kick, scratch and claw.  I imagine myself much like a tantrumous 2-year-old and Him shaking His head at me and smiling.  He even loves me when I shake my fist at him and scream curses …. and I’ve had those moments as well.   And He loves me just the same.

So here, you will read my musings and follow how I went from so legalistic and fundamentalist to a much more centered knowledge of God  and how free we are supposed to be!  My mind has been expanding and my understanding growing for years … and it’s justt now getting started good.  Feel free to join in at any time!